Posts tagged funny

Five Doctors Go Hunting

Five doctors - a general practitioner, a paediatrician, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist - decided to take a weekend trip and go duck hunting.

Soon after they were in their duck blind, a bird flew over and the general practitioner said, “I think that is a duck,” and so he took aim and slowly squeezed the trigger…but then he lowered his rifle and said, “I better get a second opinion.” “Back of the line,” said the group.

Another bird flew overhead and the paediatrician said, “I think this one is a duck too,” and he took aim…only to lower his rifle and say “but that duck might be a mother have baby ducks somewhere.” “Back of the line,” said the group.

A third bird flew overhead and the internist shouted, “That looked like a duck, etiologically classified as Animalia, Chordata, Aves, Anseriformes, Anatidae, based on the size, I am judging it to be a male, with an estimated weight of…” Before he could finish his thorough assessment or raise his rifle, the bird was gone. “We do not need to hear all that gibberish. Leave it to me,” said the surgeon.

Then a fourth bird flew overhead and the surgeon immediately raised his rifle and with no hesitation shot the bird out of the sky. He then turned to the pathologist standing next to him and said, “now go find out if that was a duck.”

Please keep penis elevated and upright.
A physician’s order for a patient with balanitis.

Breaking Even

  • Patient: I swore to myself, "You better live to be 150!"
  • Me: That's a ripe old age! Why 150?
  • Patient: It's because of all of my pension, medical benefits and coverages. I figured, for all the years I paid my taxes, I cannot die before the government pays their due diligence and covers me for all of my future medical problems.
  • Me: I see.
  • Patient: I did all of the math already, you see?
  • Me: To break even? At 150?
  • Patient: *Serious tone* That's right. If I die before that, the government wins.
  • We share a laugh.

Pew pew pew! Insert Coin to Play

  • In the designated urology operating room hangs a scoreboard for the urologists' greenlight laser TURP procedure. The laser machine records both the amount of laser energy used for the procedure and the elapsed time as you blast away prostate tissue with the green laser. There could be no better setup for a bunch of avid gamers. Level clear!
  • #1: AAA - 1,214,687 joules
  • #2: AAA - 623,692 joules
  • #3: AAA - 463,921 joules
  • #4: RAS - 452,480 joules
  • #5: SCM - 398,723 joules
Bruises by Buttersafe. One treatment may certainly fit all but I am just more interested to know why this doctor was walking around with a scalpel in his pocket.

Bruises by Buttersafe.

One treatment may certainly fit all but I am just more interested to know why this doctor was walking around with a scalpel in his pocket.

buttersafe.com

Required Equipment

  • Surgeon: So before I do the colonoscopy, you will have to do some bowel prep.
  • Patient: What does that involve?
  • Surgeon: We give you something to drink and you will need to continue drinking plenty of fluids the day before. This stuff will help you go to the washroom and clear your bowels of any stool. There is no point for me to scope you if I cannot see anything.
  • Patient: That sounds like fun.
  • Surgeon: Oh yes, it is a blast. Take the day off work that day because you will be tied to your toilet.
  • Patient: Well we will need to book it a little later in the month then.
  • Surgeon: Why is that?
  • Patient: I am getting my toilet replaced right now. I will not have a toilet for a bit. It is current backed up.
  • Surgeon: Yes, you probably should. The toilet is sort of the required piece of equipment for this procedure.
Foreign Body Rectal Obstruction. I looked the woman at the ER desk dead in the eye and said, “There is no other way to put this. I have a vibrating dildo inside my ass.” And so began a terribly tale of a man going to the hospital to remove this object. Sparing no expense, the man tweets his predicament live to the world.  Four people tried to listen to my chest with a stethoscope. “Wait what’s that sound?” “I-it’s still on.” Too much information here.

Foreign Body Rectal Obstruction.

I looked the woman at the ER desk dead in the eye and said, “There is no other way to put this. I have a vibrating dildo inside my ass.”

And so began a terribly tale of a man going to the hospital to remove this object. Sparing no expense, the man tweets his predicament live to the world. 

Four people tried to listen to my chest with a stethoscope. “Wait what’s that sound?” “I-it’s still on.”

Too much information here.

funnyordie.com

Let he who is without sin pass the first stone.
A urologist.
That man I operated on was 85. And he was the youngest man I operated on that day.
A surgeon describes the aging population of patients he encounters.
Common Afflictions of Kitchen Appliances. Never look at your kitchen appliances the same ever again. “Millions of appliance afflictions go undiagnosed every year.”

Common Afflictions of Kitchen Appliances.

Never look at your kitchen appliances the same ever again. “Millions of appliance afflictions go undiagnosed every year.”